Women’s Secret Desires

By Gianna Albaum, University of California, Berkeley

Who knew? All 3 billion women on this planet—united in sexual desires and appetites by virtue of being the owner of a vagina—secretly, deep down want to enact the same five sexy fantasies with their boyfriends. Men’s Health gives us the scoop:

“Be her fantasy
It’s challenge enough to notice when a woman has a new hairstyle, let alone get inside her head. So we asked some experts what she’s daydreaming about, and we’re mightily thrilled. ‘Women can have an orgasm from fantasy alone,’ says sex researcher Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., just to get our attention. ‘Women are more pleasure oriented than goal oriented about sex.’ Acting out her fantasies––to a point––can bring out her inner vixen.”

That’s charming: it’s challenging to notice when your woman gets a new hairstyle. Dude, like, football’s on, bro. But true enough: if you’re not noticing her hair, you’re probably not asking her what she wants in bed, so it’s a good thing you have Men’s Health to generalize the things every single woman wants in bed. Like, y’all have vaginas right?

“Invite friends.
Women commonly think about a threesome or group sex, but few truly want to do it. So use the power of suggestion, says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love. Her idea: Heat things up by pretending someone else is in the room and asking what she’d like that person to do to her. Or initiate some PG-13 action in an elevator and talk about what you think the security camera is seeing.”

Again, we start out with the charm: few women want to do this, so here’s how to make her do it anyway! If you want to do it, then the only real question is how to bring this frigid bitch around to fulfilling your sexual fantasies. Wait, hold on, wasn’t the point of this article about fulfilling her ‘secret desires’? Uh-oh.

“Be tough.
‘Women often fantasize about a forced sexual encounter,’ says Candida Royalle, president of the adult-film company Femme Productions. Don’t overdo it, but showing her who’s boss can relieve her of responsibility and some of the guilt women associate with sex, Royalle says. It can be as simple as carrying her to bed or tackling her when she walks in the door.”

Yes, we would like you to glorify rape and sexual assault in the bedroom. It may be your fantasy, but for many women it’s a pressing and daily fear. And the rationale for why it’s our fantasy? Shove her around a little bit, because you know she feels like a whore if she actually wants it. Thanks for doing us the favor of “showing us who’s boss” and “relieving us of the responsibility” of actually being pleased in the bedroom. That’s definitely my secret fantasy––thanks, Men’s Health!

“Attach strings.
‘Women often want to be restrained, which is also scary for them,’ says Whipple. You have to be careful to walk the line between exciting fear and real fear, so use something gentle, like a scarf.”

Wait, didn’t we just go over this? We want you to force yourself upon us! Please, tie me up and have your way with me! I couldn’t possibly want anything more than for you to use my body for your own pleasure. Are they really masquerading this as every woman’s ‘secret fantasy’? You’re the one engaged in wishful thinking, Men’s Health.

“Play Pretty Woman.
You have fantasies about Julia Roberts, and so does she. Cadell says many women are turned on by the idea of playing call girl. Set up a scenario in which she arrives at your door and you negotiate a fee and a program of sexual activities for the night. ‘Guys agree that it’s a big turn-on because they know they’ll get their money’s worth,’ says Cadell.”

Yes, I always dream of being a sex object to my boyfriend. Instead of having sex based on mutual attraction and mutual pleasure, I secretly want to tell him: “Have your way with me! Ignore my needs and pretend to pay me for sex!” He gets to  choose the ‘program of sexual activities’ and I get the ‘fee’, except the sexual activities are real and the fee is fantasy. Who’s getting what they want out of this wet dream again?

Remember that part in the middle of the article where they reference women feeling guilty about sex? Maybe because we get treated like whores—these fantasies ranged from convincing women to engage in fantasies they don’t really want to shoving a women around in the bedroom to pretending that they’re prostitutes. Men’s Health, get real: admit that these are your own fantasies. We might even be happy to participate in them, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that every women secretly, deep down just wants you to use them like a blow up doll from the sex shop on the corner.